A Gay Guy's Opinion
If you are about to enter college, you might have a few questions as to what you should do when you get there. Fortunately for you, I have answers; lots of them. That being said, here are the top 5 things you shouldn't do during your freshman year, or ever for that matter.
5. Kill Someone's Buzz- Most schools have parties, and at these parties you can pretty much do whatever you want. Drink way too much, stumble around, relieve yourself off a balcony, pretty much anything goes. That being said, one thing doesn't go, and is never allowed, and that is killing someone's buzz. How is this done? It's pretty simple, start talking about a class you are taking or ask someone how much they have had to drink, and you're well on you're way. Hopefully you're a normal guy and these thoughts never cross your mind. I went to school at Brandeis, where these thoughts crossed people's minds all the time, and it sucked. Don't make a party suck. The simple remedy to this is to drink more. Every time you feel like saying something that's going to kill the buzz, take a gulp of beer. In a couple hours, hopefully you'll be too drunk to aggravate people.
4. Prank your roommate- Pranks are awesome, and your freshman year you should try to pull as many as you can. That being said, it's definitely in your best interest to call a truce between you and your roommate. This guy can get you when you sleep, and can screw with your stuff anytime you leave. If he's any good at pulling pranks, you could have a Hatfield and McCoy dynamic all year, and that's not good for business. Also, if you go ape-shit on your roommate freshman year you might get the tag as the guy who takes it too far, and once this sticks good luck finding roommates for your sophomore year.
3. Openly take on a campus group- When I was a freshman, a group of chicks came through our quad and kept yelling "Take back the night!" It was pretty annoying, considering I'm pretty sure they never had the night to begin with (last time I checked, night is the time when criminals really step up their game). So the guy in the room next to me had the brilliant idea to blast "Rape Me" by Nirvana in response. Within 6 seconds a girl roughly the size of Brian Urlacher was in my room screaming at me as to where the guy who just played the music was. I was laughing so hard tears were rolling down my face and speaking was not an option. I was able to point to his room and was called an asshole for laughing. The next day the there were posters of the poor kid saying "John Doe who lives in room 101 in Cable Hall thinks rape is funny" This story proves my point that no matter how whacky and out there some groups at your college are, do not, I repeat do not try to take them head on. They are organized, not wrapped too tight, and have way too much time on their hands. Trying to fight them is like trying to out swim a shark. You can't do it, and if you try, it will turn out pretty bad for you and pretty good for the shark.
2. A Fat Chick- If you like a wide ride, skip this bullet point. Fat chicks need love, and road kill needs to get scraped off the road, but in both cases it's probably best to let someone else do it. Realize if you hook up with a chick of this stature that you can't win and you are helping trash your campus. The reason you can't win is that after the hookup, you're gonna have a huge chick after you, and everyone you know will laugh at you for good reason. About trashing the campus, if average looking chicks see huge chicks getting dudes, there's a good chance they're going to loose their 'don't blimp up' motivation. Once this happens you're at fat chick U, and you helped bring it on. Thanks a lot asshole.
1. Get Blanked in a game of Beer Pong- If this happens to you, first you have to do the run of shame around the building, naked. After that anyone can call you princess and ask if there's sand in your vagina for the rest of the year, and it's totally within anyone's right to make a wall of shame and put you on it. The only way this can even happen is if you and the guy you're playing with suck that bad or you were that drunk at the start of the game. This means either you have no physical ability or really bad judgment. Either way it'll be news for about the next month, and people will question the existence of your testicles. Think about this, Helen Keller never got blanked in a game of beer pong, so by getting blanked you're proving that your ability is less than that of a blind, deaf woman, enough said.
-Stanley Goodspeed
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